Sitting at this computer writing this in my first person point of view seems strange. I'll admit, it has been a challenge figuring out what to say in the final post from our sweet babies. Then I decided to keep it short and sweet. I wanted to add my thoughts in an epilogue format. It is hard to imagine that today would mark my 12th week of pregnancy. I would be in the final home stretch of the nerve racking 1st trimester. Then it hits, my babies have been gone for 4 weeks now. I think one of the hardest things that I dealt with was finding out that I lost not one, but both of my babies. I went in expecting to lose one, but not both of them. After much thinking, I came to think my sweet twins must have been identical. That would make sense as to why both of them didn't survive. If something occurred with the egg initially, then when it split into 2 identical parts, it would have the same anomalies. This has helped me accept what has happened. I also found it difficult knowing that I carried my sweet babies for 2 weeks after their hearts stopped beating. It was hard for me to imagine that their hearts beat for just 2 short weeks then stopped.....However, that did make my decision to have the procedure easier. That Friday morning was a wreck for me. Waking up at 3:45am with killer cramps will drive any woman crazy. Nature would eventually take its course later in the morning. My procedure was successful, but I ended up with a high fever a couple of days later. I had to take antibiotics for 5 days to prevent infection.
Going back to work really helped me deal with things. I thrive on routine and being back in my routine made things so much better. It also helps knowing that we had a great support system. My husband and I both have great coworkers that were there for us and did everything they could to help us out. We received lovely flower arrangements from coworkers. As a teacher, you should always be prepared for a substitute. I wasn't planning on being absent since I needed all my days for maternity leave. I had nothing for a sub. Thanks to my wonderful team for putting their heads together and getting stuff together for me for the two days I was out. It also helps when you have great friends to support you. We got so many cards, texts, and emails from others. We had an awesome friend from church hook us up with some food! That was a huge help!!! As a woman, it helped hearing from other women who have gone through this experience. Knowing that there are others out there who have had this happen and then went on to have healthy children is a great comfort. A friend who experienced this same misfortune just a couple of months earlier came to sit with my husband while I was in surgery. Her and her husband were a great comfort to him. We are so blessed to have a church family that is always there for us! It truly is a blessing to be loved by many. And last, but most certainly not least, we have great family! My parents were so supportive from afar. They even offered to make the 5 hour drive that night to be with me. My husband's parents live about 5 minutes away. They offered to let me stay with them all day Saturday while my husband was at work. I just couldn't be alone just yet. They fed me breakfast and lunch. My husband's dad went up to his work and brought him lunch so he wouldn't be alone. They also fed us both dinner that night and let us crash their TV to watch football. They let us stay with them Sunday, too. We had breakfast and lunch with them. Our lunch was filet steaks wrapped in bacon with baked potatoes. You can't do much better than that! It was a great comfort to have them that weekend. I was awful sick that Sunday with severe back pain and a high fever. I have an AMAZING husband that takes such great care of me! I know I am very lucky.
Here I am a week and a half later, and I'm doing much better. It doesn't bother me to talk about my situation. In fact, it helps get things off my chest. I'm proud that I was chosen to carry twins, even if it was for just a few short weeks. To know the joy of carrying life inside you is something that truly is indescribable. I will admit, I have been enjoying my pre-pregnancy self! Don't get me wrong, I would totally endure all the symptoms that pregnancy brings if I get the end result nine months later. However, if you don't get the end result, they symptoms are no fun at all. I look forward to when my husband and I can try again. The LORD blessed us once with children, HE will do it again if it's HIS will. We continue in prayer, not only for ourselves, but for those who are wanting children and have had difficulties along the way. There is great comfort in prayer and knowing that GOD will bless us again one day. We just keep reminding ourselves that it is in HIS time, not ours. HE may bless us right away like HE did last time, or HE may make us wait a while. I truly believe these sweet babies had a great purpose in our lives. I think they were brought to us to make our marriage stronger. We have always had a great marriage, but there have been times when we were lacking something that brings a husband and wife together. Ever since we found out we were pregnant, we have been closer than ever. Losing the babies has made us even closer. We have a whole new relationship that is closer than it has ever been. We are leaning on each other and leaning on GOD to get through this and move on. These sweet twins will live on forever in our hearts. We are excited to be parents one day. We both have such a strong desire to be parents. As a friend at church told me: "they are in Heaven now. You have a 100% success rate!" What a way to look at it. Prayer, friends, family, and each other will get us through this. There are positives in every negative thing that happens. I pride myself on being able to find those positives and dwell on them. There is a great plan bigger and better than I could ever design for myself!
Thanks for reading,
Mommy of Jelly Bean #1 and #2
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