Epilogue from Mom

Sitting at this computer writing this in my first person point of view seems strange. I'll admit, it has been a challenge figuring out what to say in the final post from our sweet babies. Then I decided to keep it short and sweet. I wanted to add my thoughts in an epilogue format. It is hard to imagine that today would mark my 12th week of pregnancy. I would be in the final home stretch of the nerve racking 1st trimester. Then it hits, my babies have been gone for 4 weeks now. I think one of the hardest things that I dealt with was finding out that I lost not one, but both of my babies. I went in expecting to lose one, but not both of them. After much thinking, I came to think my sweet twins must have been identical. That would make sense as to why both of them didn't survive. If something occurred with the egg initially, then when it split into 2 identical parts, it would have the same anomalies. This has helped me accept what has happened. I also found it difficult knowing that I carried my sweet babies for 2 weeks after their hearts stopped beating. It was hard for me to imagine that their hearts beat for just 2 short weeks then stopped.....However, that did make my decision to have the procedure easier. That Friday morning was a wreck for me. Waking up at 3:45am with killer cramps will drive any woman crazy. Nature would eventually take its course later in the morning. My procedure was successful, but I ended up with a high fever a couple of days later. I had to take antibiotics for 5 days to prevent infection.

 Going back to work really helped me deal with things. I thrive on routine and being back in my routine made things so much better. It also helps knowing that we had a great support system. My husband and I both have great coworkers that were there for us and did everything they could to help us out. We received lovely flower arrangements from coworkers. As a teacher, you should always be prepared for a substitute. I wasn't planning on being absent since I needed all my days for maternity leave. I had nothing for a sub. Thanks to my wonderful team for putting their heads together and getting stuff together for me for the two days I was out. It also helps when you have great friends to support you. We got so many cards, texts, and emails from others. We had an awesome friend from church hook us up with some food! That was a huge help!!! As a woman, it helped hearing from other women who have gone through this experience. Knowing that there are others out there who have had this happen and then went on to have healthy children is a great comfort. A friend who experienced this same misfortune just a couple of months earlier came to sit with my husband while I was in surgery. Her and her husband were a great comfort to him. We are so blessed to have a church family that is always there for us! It truly is a blessing to be loved by many. And last, but most certainly not least, we have great family! My parents were so supportive from afar. They even offered to make the 5 hour drive that night to be with me. My husband's parents live about 5 minutes away. They offered to let me stay with them all day Saturday while my husband was at work. I just couldn't be alone just yet. They fed me breakfast and lunch. My husband's dad went up to his work and brought him lunch so he wouldn't be alone. They also fed us both dinner that night and let us crash their TV to watch football. They let us stay with them Sunday, too. We had breakfast and lunch with them. Our lunch was filet steaks wrapped in bacon with baked potatoes. You can't do much better than that! It was a great comfort to have them that weekend. I was awful sick that Sunday with severe back pain and a high fever. I have an AMAZING husband that takes such great care of me! I know I am very lucky.

Here I am a week and a half later, and I'm doing much better. It doesn't bother me to talk about my situation. In fact, it helps get things off my chest. I'm proud that I was chosen to carry twins, even if it was for just a few short weeks. To know the joy of carrying life inside you is something that truly is indescribable. I will admit, I have been enjoying my pre-pregnancy self! Don't get me wrong, I would totally endure all the symptoms that pregnancy brings if I get the end result nine months later. However, if you don't get the end result, they symptoms are no fun at all. I look forward to when my husband and I can try again. The LORD blessed us once with children, HE will do it again if it's HIS will. We continue in prayer, not only for ourselves, but for those who are wanting children and have had difficulties along the way. There is great comfort in prayer and knowing that GOD will bless us again one day. We just keep reminding ourselves that it is in HIS time, not ours. HE may bless us right away like HE did last time, or HE may make us wait a while. I truly believe these sweet babies had a great purpose in our lives. I think they were brought to us to make our marriage stronger. We have always had a great marriage, but there have been times when we were lacking something that brings a husband and wife together. Ever since we found out we were pregnant, we have been closer than ever. Losing the babies has made us even closer. We have a whole new relationship that is closer than it has ever been. We are leaning on each other and leaning on GOD to get through this and move on. These sweet twins will live on forever in our hearts. We are excited to be parents one day. We both have such a strong desire to be parents. As a friend at church told me: "they are in Heaven now. You have a 100% success rate!" What a way to look at it. Prayer, friends, family, and each other will get us through this. There are positives in every negative thing that happens. I pride myself on being able to find those positives and dwell on them. There is a great plan bigger and better than I could ever design for myself!

Thanks for reading,

Mommy of Jelly Bean #1 and #2

The Final Chapter

Hello again! Jelly Bean #1 and Jelly Bean #2 reporting back for the final time. We didn't expect our journey to end so soon; alas, we were not meant to stay. When mommy went in for her 10 week checkup, the doctor was unable to find our tiny heartbeats. We appeared to stop growing at 8 weeks. Naturally, mommy and daddy were heartbroken. It came as quite a shock to them that just four weeks earlier they heard our tiny heartbeats. We didn't intend to leave them. God has other plans for us. Instead of mommy and daddy looking out for us, we now get to look out for mommy and daddy in our new home. We know that one day mommy and daddy will hold our little brother or sister in their arms. We hate to cause mommy and daddy such sadness, but they are strong. Each day will get better. We know we had a specific purpose in their lives. We must have fulfilled it! We are sorry this is the end of our journey. Our journey will forever be recorded for mommy and daddy to always look back on and remember our short, but wonderful, time together.

Jelly Bean #1 and Jelly Bean #2 signing off for the last time!

Easing up on Mom?

We are back for our weekly installment of what's going on with us little jelly beans (although we are bigger than jelly beans by now) and mommy. We have finished week 9 and are headed into week 10. Mommy had another doctor appointment this Thursday. She's nervous, AGAIN! Mommy stays nervous, we think. She always stresses out each time another doctor's appointment approaches. Last time we were able to ease her mind by letting her hear not one, but two, heartbeats! You would think after that she would be a little calmer, but no. Mommy says she will probably always find something to worry about. She's especially concerned since the past few days we have stopped making her so sick. It has been about 4 days since we woke her up and made her rush to the bathroom. She expected another couple of weeks of sickness. People keep telling her to stop reading so much on the Internet because everyone is different. However, until Thursday afternoon arrives there will probably be no easing of her mind.

Mommy started teaching this week. This was the first week back with her kids. Monday morning mommy was worried we would make her sick all day. We did make her sick when she woke up and didn't ease up on the queasy feeling until mid morning. However, we never made mommy leave her room in a mad dash to get sick. We do make her eat all day long. Mommy had to explain to her students that she had to feed her 2 babies in her belly all the time because we are always hungry. She also made the point that if they make her happy  they make us happy, too. So now mommy's students are constantly asking her if the babies are happy. Mommy had a pretty good week. She woke up early, but she was able to stay awake and do her job throughout the day. When she got home, that was a different story. Mommy would come home and fall into her chair exhausted. Daddy has really been good to us. He cooks for us. Mommy is so thankful for daddy. We think daddy is going to be even better when we arrive.

What's new this week? Well, mommy still wants the occasional cheeseburger from McDonald's. There really hasn't been any late night cravings. Mommy has been trying to eat dinner later so she doesn't get sick early in the morning. Mommy feels that she is leaving the sick phase and entering the "I'm so hungry all the time" phase. We still make mommy sleepy, but most of all we have been causing her back pain. Apparently, we kept daddy awake most of last night because mommy kept tossing and turning due to lack of comfort while sleeping. Mommy admitted to daddy this morning that it is very difficult to find a comfortable position, and the constant night time bathroom breaks don't help either. We ate at the Olive Garden last night with daddy's aunt, grandma, and cousin (who is also having a baby soon). The never ending pasta bowl sounded like a good idea to most everyone, especially the two mommy's to be. Now, mommy's appetite hasn't been that great lately. She eats a little bit of food several times a day. Well last night mommy had a bowl of salad, 2 bread sticks, and 2 bowls of pasta! Hence, mommy wondering if she is entering the "I'm so hungry all the time" phase. As mommy sits typing this, she is wanted to eat again, and she just ate breakfast an hour ago! Also new this week, mommy and daddy trying out different gender predictors to find out if we are boys, girls, or one of each. After reading different gender predictors, mommy has signs of both genders. Then, mommy and daddy performed the wedding ring on a string test. The results showed back and forth and circular motions. So, could we be one of each? Our last picture showed us possible being identical....could something have changed? Guess we will find out Thursday....


This week we are currently the size of a gummy bear, but our home inside mommy is the size of a grapefruit! We are growing, growing, growing!!! What will our picture on Thursday reveal? Stay tuned for next week's installment and our newest picture! We leave you with mommy 10 weeks preggo with us: